20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Better Than Sex

THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL

Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the great big one, as the athame), a large glass with milk in it (the chalice), a small dish of Nestle's Quick and a spoon, a small dish of chocolate sprinkles, a plate of cupcakes, and some Yoo-Hoo (may substitute Hershey's chocolate syrup)along with a goblet.

CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE

(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)

Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast
No calories in thy presence last.
Let no fat adhere to me
And as I will so mote it be!

Nestle's Quick where thou art cast
Turn this milk to chocolate, fast.
Let all good things come to me,
and make my milk all chocolatey!

CAST THE CIRCLE (using the Tootsie Roll)

Mousse of the East, Fluffy One!
Great prince of the palace of dessert!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle
from all moochers approaching from the East.

Fondue of the South, Molten One!
Great prince of the palace of decadence!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle
From all diets approaching from the South.

Cocoa of the West, Satisfying One!
Great prince of the palace of thirst!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle
from all carob approaching from the West.

Rocky Road of the North, Cold One!
Great prince of the palace of crunchy!
Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle
from all cheap imitations approaching from the North.

Main Ritual:

Handmaiden (henceforth known as the Swiss Miss): Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate;
who was of old called Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See and by many other names.

HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in awhile and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies. In the mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue. And you shall be free from depresssion. And as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, noch, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence. For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, and mine is also the joy on earth, yea, even into high orbit for my law is "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand". Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy padding pounds on your hips. I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death...well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that. I demand only your money in sacrifice, for behold, chocolate is a business, and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere: I who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy, from me do all confections spring, and unto me all of shall return, again...and again...and again. Before my smeared face, beloved of women and men, thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose. Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you. And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery: "We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it." For behold: I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land. Messed Be.

SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names: HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your sacred prey. I am the warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of Winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown. I give you my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar and the shelter of Haagen Dazs when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with whcih you can spot a candy counter a mile away. By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you, by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you, and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you. Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, an in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate", for it is vile and bitter. Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a conoisseur. Leave a little for someone else. I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the wild child, the inner child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.

CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO

(Blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)
HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate
HP: For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate"
HPS: And neither one is carob.
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way Bar
BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.

(Blessing of the cupcakes)
HP: Frosting is keen
HPS: And frosting is neat
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!

(Feasting and Drinking)

DISMISS QUARTERS

HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the _________, we thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, and ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, we say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S" Nestle's makes the very best"

ALL: Choooooc-laaaaaate

(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east)

Close circle

Chocolate Tips And Facts

• If you get melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
• Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
• Problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
  Solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
• Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
• A nice box of chocolates provide your total daily intake of calories in one place. Isn't that handy?
• If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But if you can't eat all your chocolate, it may be a sign of a deeper problem.
• If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.
• Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is a balanced diet.
• Two phrases: Money talks. Chocolate sings.
• The preservatives in Chocolate make you look younger.
• Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
  A. Because no one wants to quit.
• If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.
• Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.